She’s done it again everyone.
Listen, at the rate that I disappear I need to be a magician.
But once again, I do not apologize.
I’ve been in a small state of isolation. I’ve been working on elevating certain sections of my life and developing new things for “A Word“ as a whole (good news coming soon).
I’ve been traveling, wearing less and going out more..
I’ve been finding my PEACE!
The only people I’ve really had contact with within the past month have been my mama and my man and I’ve been perfectly okay with that.
In the midst of it all, I’ve also been having conversations…
I‘ve been in conversations about my space and how much that space needs to be inhabited by people other than my loved ones.
Friends are apparently what I need according to my very VERY small circle.
Now we’ve talked about this here on A Word: The Blog.
But this convo was a bit deeper. It’s come to my attention that I haven’t been doing the real work when it comes to my friendships. I’ve always known that I was lending my friendship to folks that wouldn’t let me borrow a small piece of companionship in return. But I’ve never confronted the hurt that cutting off those friendships has caused.
Let‘s talk about my cut off process.
Typically for me, when it comes to realizing that friendships are no longer serving me, I typically do not have conversations. A situation takes place that rubs me wrong and I end up distancing myself aka baby you will never get the chance to treat me like a piece of shit again. But I’m realizing now that THIS is the issue. I don’t talk, I self-isolate before you get the chance to isolate me yourself.
And I think the reason I don‘t give much space for conversation is the idea that within this friendship I would expect for you to know me well enough to know where you fucked up. What’s understood doesn’t need to be explained right?
Wrong. I can‘t expect that from others outside of myself. My number one lesson in life, as bitter as it sounds, is that I can’t expect shit from anyone. This is a KEY to life, understand it.
The isolation piece of it all is important though. I saw a cute little quote on Instagram that said ‘Are you healed or just isolated with no one to trigger you?’.
Go back and read that again.
I get it. We need to confront the reason behind the isolation.
But for me, theres so much healing within isolation. Having no one to trigger me allows me the space to seek true healing. Not beginning the healing process and then tucking it away when there are people around. True healing. I’m confronting the lonely feelings and assessing the damage done to not just my ego but my heart too. I have the time to reflect on the type of energy I want and need in my space and also the time to ask myself if I want any energy there at all.
Once all of those questions have answers, isolation becomes a form of temporary peace. And I think thats the space I’m currently in. Temporary Peace. Am I going to be in a space where I’m longing for friendship, absolutely but I am definitely not there yet. I’m enjoying the peace that comes with solitude. And that’s when I knew I was truly healing.
I knew I was healing when I became okay with being misunderstood. You’re entitled to your opinion of me and I really don’t have the energy to prove you wrong or to try to convince you otherwise. If I’m the villIan in your story make sure my outfit is fire and my waist is snatched, k thanks.
I also knew I was healing when my peace was prioritized above all and clear boundaries have been set. I knew I was healing when started accepting people for who they are and not making excuse for people’s behavior. You are the way you are and that’s okay babes, be you…over yonder.
I knew I was healing when I had the courage to revisit this conversation and address the pieces I was too afraid to address the first time around because I was keeping it cute and brief before.
But at this point, losing people…finding peace. Protecting my energy and making space potential new energy to come through.