Here at A Word, a common theme you'll find is me seeking answers within my life. It's actually the theme of A Word: The Blog!
In my search for answers, I realized that the questions I'm asking myself are not necessarily the questions that I need to be asking.
I find myself questioning why things happen a certain way or why certain situations trigger emotion from me. These questions are a bit too broad for me and often leave me spiraling.
We all know that I journal. I've talked about this pretty frequently here. Lately, I've been turning to journal prompts to kind of organize and challenge my thoughts rather than just scribbling in my notebook. I ran across a few prompts this week that sparked today's chat.
Prompt 1: What is your biggest motivation for getting up in the morning?
Now this one stumped me for quite a while the other day. I began creating a list of motivators and in writing that list, I saw nothing but other people...
The list included truly making my mom proud, being a positive role model for the young women that look up to me, keeping my promise to my grandmother etc... Nothing on this list included me.
Everything on that list holds true and those are some of my biggest motivators but what about me? Am I living for the sake of pleasing and proving myself to other people? If I'm honest the answer to that question is yes but partially. Do I want to give my mom reasons to brag about me to her coworkers and distant relatives? Absolutely. Do I want to show the young women following my journey that you can go down a different path and do well? Yup.
The reason I didn't write my true motivator within the list is because for so long I thought that it was silly or pretty obvious. My biggest motivator is finding peace and true happiness. Duh, isn't that what everyone wants? I held onto this exact feeling and didn't truly explore what that means to me.
Finding peace to me means creating and building the life I've prayed for over and over. And without noticing, I do that every day. I've reached points in life that I've prayed for in the past and have breezed right on by without acknowledging that fact. I'm building my peace every day I live and breathe and as simple as that sounds, it truly is my biggest motivation.
Prompt 2: What do you wish someone would tell you right now?
This answer is simple and plain. I wish someone would tell me that it's okay to be frustrated.
I know its okay to feel that basic human emotion. It's a right. But in moments of frustration I often feel like I'm being dramatic. There's bigger things going on somewhere else and my problem is miniscule in comparison. But dammit I'm incredibly frustrated and lately have only had the energy to deal with one thing at a time because of said frustration. I feel an immense pressure to be a positivity coach while tackling a lot of things on my own and I never really get a moment to just be... I wish someone would tell me to let it out. I wish someone would tell me to feel that shit. Maybe I'm the someone in this scenario?
Prompt 3: What aspects of yourself do you need to show more love?
Phew...
This journal entry was L O N G mkay?! My self love journey has been taking lots of twists and turns but that's the point right? I took this prompt super personal and really took my time spawning an answer and all bullet points led to this...
I need to show more love to my voice.
And not in the physical sense as far the way it sounds but my speech in general. I've been holding back my words lately. That's why the blog posts are a little less consistent, why my conversations with people are becoming less and less extensive. I've really been holding back due to being tired of repeating myself.
I haven't been feeling heard within my spaces and due to that I've made sure I'm not heard at all. Call it stubborn or petty but that's the real real. Is it the best way to go about things, I'm not sure.
If we're really getting into it my name is Angelique.
By definition my name means "messenger of God" and I don't believe I was given that name just because it sounds good. I believe I've always been meant to speak and tell a story, spread a message and talk my ass off when needed. I think the frustration is coming from me not lending my voice to the right ears. It's not my words that are lacking, I'm just not chatting to the right people.
*exhales and burns palo santo*
That felt good. Real good.
Have I persuaded you to start journaling yet?
I'm kidding but not really. That shit is super healing and really gives you the opportunity to look a little deeper into yourself and figure out what areas need a little bit of work and which areas need a little love.
Writing this already lifted a bit of weight off my shoulders.
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