She's Okay

Okay everyone, let's chat really quick...

A lot of things are beginning to fall into place for me, a lot of things are finally clicking and I'm starting to feel okay about my growth in every aspect.

But to be real, I've felt bad about growing and moving forward with certain things since the loss of my grandmother back in August.

It's felt almost like a betrayal to be happy and enjoy life knowing that she's not physically here to see my accomplishments. It's felt strange to even begin to express that happiness knowing my family is still really hurting and trying to deal with the reality of her passing. But the truth is, I'm hurting too.

It's been hard going through life without her, without hearing her encouraging words and her laugh or having her tell me not to kick everyone's ass. It's almost felt like I'm forgetting her or pushing her to the back of my mind but.. I think I'm doing exactly what she'd want for me to do.

I'm living, I'm loving... I'm hopeful for the future. I'm rambling now but my point is, life is starting to feel less weird and a bit more purposeful and I think it's because I have an extra angel looking out for me.

My grand always made sure everyone knew how capable they were in any aspect.

On a personal level, she always reminded me that anything is possible and believed heavy in the ability to manifest. She'd always tell me to close my eyes and "picture yourself exactly where you want to be and be specific". She told me how powerful the mind is and how much control we have over our future based just on our thoughts.

I've been doing my best with thinking positively and envisioning my future exactly how I want it but sometimes I slip up and I let negative thoughts creep through, especially within the past few weeks.

But every time I let a doubt slip through or I think badly of myself, I'm mentally redirected shortly after. Then thoughts of what positively could be, calming affirmations, loving self talk flood in... I didn't realize it at first but I know now that this is a direct effect of having my grand in my life. She's helped mold me in a way that I'm gonna feel what I need to feel, good or bad, but I'm gonna make sure I pick myself up and love on myself right after because I'm in control.

I'm so grateful for this lesson specifically because in the times that I feel lost without her or like I've missed out, I remember that she's been working on me my entire life. She's been training my mental from the day I took my first breath and I'm so grateful to have been showered with that kind of love. That kind of love sticks with you and with that I know I'll be okay and I know that its okay to be...okay.